Doctor tells me I have high cholesterol....

....so this is what i have to get rid of in my diet.

GUIDELINES FOR LOW-CHOLESTEROL, LOW-TRIGLYCERIDE DIETS


GUIDELINES: FOODS TO AVOID, these foods usually tast great!

MEATS, FISH: Avoid marbled beef, pork, bacon, sausage, and other pork products; fatty fowl (duck, goose); skin and fat of turkey and chicken; processed meats; luncheon meats (salami, bologna); frankfurters and fast-food hamburgers (they're loaded with fat); organ meats (kidneys, liver); canned fish packed in oil.

EGGS: Limit egg yolks to two per week.

FRUITS: Avoid coconuts (rich in saturated fats).

VEGETABLES: Avoid avocados. Starchy vegetables (potatoes, corn, lima beans, dried peas, beans) may be used only if substitutes for a serving of bread or cereal. (Baked potato skin, however, is desirable for its fiber content.)

BEANS: Avoid commercial baked beans with sugar and/or pork added.

NUTS: Avoid nuts. Limit peanuts and walnuts to one tablespoonful per day.

BREADS, GRAINS: Avoid any baked goods with shortening and/or sugar. Commercial mixes with dried egg and whole milk. Avoid sweet rolls, doughnuts, breakfast pastries (Danish), and sweetenecl packaged cereals (the added sugar converts readily to triglycerides).

MILK PRODUCTS: Avoid whole milk and whole-milk packaged goods; cream; ice cream; whole-milk puddings, yogurt, or cheeses; nondairy cream substitutes.

FATS, OILS: Avoid butter, lard, animal fats, bacon drippings, gravies, cream sauces, as well as palm and coconut oils. All these are high in saturated fats. Examine labels on "cholesterol-f'ree" products for "hydrogenated fats." (These are oils that have been hardened into solids and in the process have become saturated.)

DESSERTS, SNACKS: Avoid fried snack foods like potato chips; chocolate; candies in general; jams, ,jellies, syrups, whole-milk puddings, ice cream and milk sherbets; hydrogenated peanut butter.

BEVERAGES: Avoid sugared fruit juices and soft drinks; cocoa made with whole milk and/or sugar. When using alcohol (1 oz liquor, 5 oz beer, or 2 1/2 oz dry table wine per serving), one serving must be substituted for one bread or cereal serving (limit, two servings of alcohol per day).

SPECIAL NOTES:

1. Remember that even nonlimited foods should be used in moderation.

2. While on a cholesterol-lowering diet, be sure to avoid animal fats and marbled meats.

3. While on a triglyceride-lowering diet, be sure to avoid sweets and to control the amount of carbohydrates you eat (starchy foods such as flour, bread, potatoes).

4. Buy a good low-fat cookbook, such as the one published hy the American Heart Association.

5. Consult your physician if you have any questions.

Google to be used by Doctors

On the cover of the newspaper that basically every commuter reads in the morning is an article saying the doctors are now being trained to use Google to find cures to illnesses. In studies, it was found that in seconds a doctor was able to find a diagnosis just by typing in a patient's symptoms. But here is the catch, 40 percent of the searches contained incorrect information. No $hit! I will never go to a doctor again. EVER

Translations

After 2 and a half month and staring down the last 2 weeks before coming back to the US for my first post-move im going to offer some useful translations into English of some common words we use in America. If you catch me using them while im back, forgive me.

knob - Cock

Burgled - To be robbed of property from break in.....Does anyone else besides me think that Burgle should not be a verb?

pissed - Drunk

rubbish - Garbage

Take the piss - Make fun of someone - People here are always taking the piss out of me for my American accent

snog - Make out or hook up, but no sex

shag - Sex

Fit - Hot - She's f*cking fit!

Bird - Girl

Pull - Picking up someone, usually at a bar or other social setting

Pants - Underwear

Trainers - Sneakers

Flat - Apartment

Jumper - Sweater

Bit - Piece or Part - The best bit of a roast is yorkshire pudding

bloke - Guy

Geezer - Guy, but derogatory

Boozer - Pub

Local Boozer - Your local pub

Slag or Slapper - Slut

Dodgy - shady

Five Levels of Hangovers

Courtesy of Lauren


One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


***** THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon


***** THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate


***** THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.